Dear self,

Today, I woke up thinking of a massive creature with pillowcases for wings and windows for eyes. It could have been symbolic, but I came to a realization, a real, true, realization: 

For my whole life, I never want to be able to say with conviction, I am _____. Fill in the blanks however you may, but I'm not changing my mind. I never want you to describe me with a single word and even be one-sixteenths accurate. I don't want to have key points in my life like a PowerPoint presentation, and I don't want to be defined. I want to be a hundred rainbows twisted into a candy-cane and I want to swallow it all, delicious, and savor it, even if you think that the bottom end doesn't taste very good. I want to make it delicious, no matter what, not pick odds and ends off like cherries. 

I do not want to be limited, and I do not want to follow the expectations of some conservative person that just happens to notice that a thinner woman takes up less space on a single sheet of paper when printed, or someone who puts me under a microscope and notices all my flaws. Learn this; I am not a model. I don't live my life by some manual. I explore, and my occupation over the course of my life-- yes, this one lifetime-- will be everything. (It will not matter whether crowds make me uncomfortable, or whether I'd prefer to abstain from large and impersonal social gatherings, because I will meet it all as a challenge and face it; stop being scared, it's never going to do you any good.) I never asked you to follow me, and I will never expect you to or want you to, but I will carve my own path here, and create as many forks as possible. Scratch that-- I don't need a path. I'm going to run amuck, one square of dirt ground at a time, and you're not going to stop me. 

Yes, I might enjoy what I'm doing right now, but that doesn't mean that it's the only thing I'm going to do, or that everything else I'll do will be in the vicinity. I am made out of so many things, and I want to discover each one of them. Who knows; there's always something new or something totally unexpected. 

Hey, maybe my eyes are windows. And I am full of everything I can see. 


Julia Venetia Ventise



Kirthi said...

Wow, this is incredible! You're writing style is simple and poetic, yet it speaks more than a thousand pictures! It's like a self-discovery letter, you finding yourself. It's truly inspirational!

Erin said...

"I never want you to describe me with a single word."--Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I love this post, and I think more people should strive to not be labeled, which is one of my least favorite things on earth.

pinkapplecore said...

that reminds me of this book that said "I don't want to be an -ism"

We can be everything and nothing at the same time.. I hope you get to be and see...experience everything that you want.

Rema said...

But what about the pillow? I thought the pillows meant something too :-)
Great writing btw, and I am with you on your convictions here!

Forrest Taylor said...
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Sabrina Martinn said...
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Edge said...

:) This is fantastic and freeing. Thanks for sharing it with us!!

Marianne said...

Hey, I'm a friend of Kirthi's, and I saw your blog and really loved it. I really love this post. The final line is so powerfully stated. I love it!

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in the wake of light, your words bring me more(please, do leave your fingerprints behind, so I may relish the image of our hands after you go.)